Women often have a reason to refuse a man: a foreigner in the city center persistently asks for a phone number, a pervert on Tinder invites you for a sleepover, an old friend in love once again asks you for a date, a local gop whistles at the sight of your slender legs...
And the word “no” in all these cases should sound differently, but with dignity! One can be rudely sent away, another cannot be let go without a compliment and a symbolic kiss on the forehead, the third must be permanently added to the black list of users, and the fourth must be told “ades amigo” in a comic form.
How to properly refuse a guy so as not to offend and leave the game as a winner?
How to politely refuse a man: the “Don’t insult” method
It seems good man: he gives flowers, and gives rides to work, and buys cough syrup... But - you feel - it’s not right! And I don’t want to be rude, and it would be somehow impolite to ignore me... Or: you’re walking down the street, exhausted after work, and a young man approaches - he seems to be handsome, but he has no desire to reciprocate at all, and there are other thoughts in his head...
Don’t worry - there is a way to properly refuse a man without offending him. And it is built on the principle: “compliment-program-compliment.”
Step 1: Praise
Step 2: refusal
Make it clear that you are saying no: I'm happily married/I have other priorities now/I don't hang out with married men.
Step 3: compliment
End your remarks on a positive note, encouraging the proactive guy: “Such a strong and determined man will definitely meet a beautiful girl.”
Example phrases:
- “You are such a manly guy, but I am interested in older men. I’m sure such an attractive person will soon find a worthy companion!”
- “Your masculine persistence makes me weak at the knees, but I’m already head over heels in love, although I definitely feel that your courage attracts women, so you won’t be bored for long.”
This is a polite way to say “no”, without rudeness or offense - you will not devalue the man’s action, but on the contrary, you will express gratitude. After such words, the guy will not leave in silent despair, with his back hunched, with the oppressive thoughts that he is a loser and will never meet the love of his life. On the contrary, the support of the girl he likes will inspire him, he will think: “It’s true - how brave I am!” and goes in search of new girlfriends.
What if it “doesn’t get through”?
Some men do not accept a polite refusal - and rudely continue their futile attempts to arrange a date, get them into bed, or get married. For such slow-witted people, there is a universal method, after which 90% of candidates merge.
Ask him for money. Without sophisticated feminine techniques and fox tricks. Say directly and simply: “Sasha, give me money. I urgently need to go to the beauty salon/pay my child for kindergarten/donate money to my mother/buy a vacuum cleaner.” At the same time, do not promise that when he gives money, you will become his mistress, wife or servant.
Unfortunately or fortunately, such a request scares off pompous pseudo-alpha males, and the saying “In words, I am Leo Tolstoy...” comes to life before our eyes.
How to refuse sex to a guy?
Does he insist on a blowjob, smoothly lowering your head down? You barely know each other, but his hand is clearly below the belt? Or do you just want to get some sleep, but your man can’t stand it?
Women are prone to concessions and are afraid of hurting a man’s pride with a refusal. intimacy, and a guilty “no” sounds like a weak excuse. The main advice here is to distract yourself from thinking about the consequences. Will he move to another sofa? Will he turn his back, slightly offended? Will he say that you are a “dynamo”? So what?
There is no need to worry about a man more than about your desires. You decide for yourself whether you want sex or not - by adapting to your partner and regularly making love “for show” or marital duty, you risk ruining the relationship.
Just say no. Without accusations: “You all just need one thing!”, without excuses: “Sorry, please, I’m completely not in the mood.”
Common Mistakes
Excessive rudeness
If a guy comes up to you on the street and invites you for coffee, you don’t need to respond with a falsetto scream to the entire block: “Get off, you complete idiot!” In your offer to go for a walk, are you looking for tricks and maniacal ways? The problem is not the guy. If you are having a bad day/have met angry men before/PMS, this is not a reason to be rude, insult and humiliate another person.
Most likely, you will never see each other again and in a minute you will disperse like ships at sea - so is it worth leaving a heavy aftertaste for another person?
Fuzzy "no"
There is no need to beat around the bush. The guy asks you to go for a walk, and you “I don’t know, maybe...”? And who is your doctor that he took mumbles as consent? So you can marry unloved person, give birth to three children and move to a foreign country. And only when I was dying to realize: here I am a “nurse”, it was necessary to speak directly.
No means no. Refusal is your right, and delaying the moment of truth will only worsen the suffering.
Dissonance of words and actions
If you say: “No, screw you,” and you come closer to the man, licking your lips and twirling your curls on your finger, then don’t be surprised by his advances. Such a discrepancy is confusing, the guy is confused: what to do next - not to listen to this stupid woman and be more assertive, or to retreat peacefully? 
Try to coordinate your emotional state and behavior. If you want to refuse to meet a guy, don’t do it while sitting in your arms on the Eiffel Tower when he takes a ring out of his pocket. Think about your desires in advance, understanding them will free you from such oddities!
Pity
Poor, unfortunate thing, how can you say “no” to this careless guy... If you help him like a three-year-old boy in buying a new car, then you will trample on his manhood. A wounded ego is worse and more painful than insolence!
- Speak directly and convincingly so that he clearly understands that this is a refusal.
- Don't promise anything. No “maybe”, “I’ll think about it”, “not today”.
- Look for a plausible reason: for example, on principle I don’t communicate with divorced people/I have a boyfriend/I only like IT people.
Remember, a woman has the right:
- do not give explanations for your refusal;
- do not make excuses after the word “no”;
- prioritize your desires;
- end sex/relationship at any time;
- not to want anything;
- refuse a person if you always agreed before;
- do not answer strangers at all;
So, should I refuse?
An interesting fact from psychology: a woman understands in the first six seconds whether she will have sex with a man or not;)!
If you feel resistance, reluctance and refusal within yourself, do not languish. Say it directly, without regret about the consequences or fear of his reaction. Show tact, but realize your desires first.
It always seemed to me: it happened, that means it happened. What the hell does it matter why the sky once again fell on my head? It collapsed, therefore, we must survive.
You're perfect.
-Are you laughing? I have a sea of shortcomings.
- There is a sea in you. And I seem to have drowned.
This is the meaning of the New Year - to get another chance, a chance to forgive. To do better, to do more, to give more, to love more, and not to worry about what would have been, but to perceive life as it is.
Don't be a cheapskate - give the person a second chance. Don't be an idiot - never give a third.
Lord, if I have hurt others, give me the strength to apologize... If people hurt me, give me the strength to forgive them...
When fate gives you a chance, don't miss it. This is the only way you will know why you were born.
Tell me and I will forget, show me and I will remember, let me do it and I will understand.
When I was 14 years old, I thought that 40 years was so far away that it would never happen. Or it will be, but not for me. But now I’m almost 40, and I understand: it really won’t happen because I’m still 14.
Give every day a chance to become the most beautiful day of your life!
“It’s not about you, it’s about me,” “I need to figure myself out,” “Let’s remain just friends” - all these are already standard phrases, the meaning of which is even difficult to understand.
But on the other hand, extreme honesty is often much more brutal. The people who said these phrases would have been better off blurting out something standard. And guess who is often the cruelest? Of course, cheaters.
1. “Your brother is better in bed.”
She cheated on me with my brother.
2. " I don't know why you thought we were going to get married. I'm only 26″ .
Well, damn it, maybe because you proposed to me?
3. He began to tell me the details of his betrayal.
At first he said it was a drunken mistake. But when I left him, he told the truth.
He said this happened more than once. They had sex 13 times and the first time he called her by my name. He said she was better than me in everything.
This really hurt me, which is exactly what he wanted.
4. " If you weren't bald, I'd like you. I just can't be with a bald man. What will people say? »
She told me this when I was 20 and still demanded that I pay for her at the restaurant.
5. After I caught him in bed at my house with my cousin on MY BIRTHDAY, he said:
“It’s just sex, our relationship with you is much higher than that.”
He probably slept with others all this time, and only talked to me about feelings. I'm glad that my brother popularly explained to him what not to do on a girl's birthday.
6. She cheated on me, I found out about it and gave myself 3 hours to calm down before talking to her. We dated for over a year.
When I finally called her, I was calm, polite and, most importantly, indifferent. I didn't really feel that way, but I forced myself to at least speak calmly. I said, “I found out about you and him. It’s all over between us, I’ll come pick up my things this weekend.”
At first she did not want to admit her betrayal, and then she began to insist that it was she herself who was leaving me. My calm tone began to irritate her, and in the end she said:
« Okay, yeah, I cheated on you with him in the movie theater, but you're a real asshole for not even being mad at me for it! So you don’t care about us!” And she hung up.
A week later, her sister called me, who said that she wanted to “dot all the i’s” in our relationship and hear explanations. At this time, my friends were nearby and asked what was wrong with my face. When I told him, covering the phone with my hand, the girls from our group began to shout:
“Darling, go back to bed, we’re bored here without you!”
My ex heard this and I said, “Okay, I have to go—they’re waiting for me.”
A couple of weeks later I asked out one of the girls who shouted this, and now we’ve been happy together for 10 years.
7. We dated a girl for about 3 months, and I thought that we had something more or less serious. But then she said one day that her parents were going away for the weekend, and I was like, “Cool, thanks for inviting me,” and she said, “ Sorry, someone else is coming to see me «.
8. When my ex found someone else, she said: “ He has better job, and he is taller."
9. I was going to her birthday party, and the evening before, when I asked what time to pick her up, she said: “ Sorry, but you're not on the invite list. ". It was unexpected.
10. We were lying in bed after great sex when he suddenly said to me:
« My baby is due in a week «.
I was in a stupor. I didn’t even suspect it, but in one minute a puzzle formed in my head, I remembered a pregnant girl who often liked his photos, and when I said her name, he confirmed that it was her.
11. " I decided to go back to my ex “At least from her I know what to expect.”
I know, I know - big tits and amazing stretch marks.
12. " I'm having a baby “,” she said, but before I had time to rejoice, she added: “ But not from you «.
Recognition is one of the main human needs. Therefore, people strive to establish meaningful, warm relationships with others. Dependent behavior is an extreme when recognition is needed at any cost, and without attachment a person faces the horror of loneliness and rejection. The other extreme is the desire to “stay good” for others and for oneself.
From childhood we receive the instruction: if you want to be loved, behave well, that is, the way your parents like it. Don’t hurt others, and the content of this “hurt” can vary from “caused physical injury” to “called five minutes later than promised.” Be good and you will be rewarded... Someday in the future.
Treat others the way you would like to be treated... Wonderful " golden rule ethics" is based on one of the most important manifestations of humanity - empathy. The problem is that any moral rule, elevated to an absolute, becomes impossible to implement. And you have to make deals with your conscience - or completely abandon your desires, because they often come into conflict with the desires of other people.
The girl is burdened by her relationship with her boyfriend, but is in no hurry to end it. There is an opportunity to leave, but it remains. “What keeps you in this relationship?” - “I don’t know...” - “And if you imagine that he left you, and not you him?” - “At this thought, I feel relief... And even joy!”
Where does the joy come from? It was not she who turned out to be “bad”, but he.
Four ways to stay good
This happens often: partners prefer to live in chronic discomfort rather than go through strong and painful experiences, even short-term ones. When the initiative to break up comes from you, and your partner doesn’t seem to feel such a desire, it’s simply impossible to be “good.” Standard scenarios “rescue”.
1. Wait for a reason to break up
The betrayal of a partner is perceived with hidden joy - this is the reason to separate. You remain good and in righteous anger, but he... If he had been faithful, then everything would have been different, but now nothing can be done, betrayal cannot be forgiven...
2. Run away without a showdown
For example, a man suddenly disappeared from a woman’s life without explaining anything, only writing a short text message, something like “it’s all over between us.” The pain of the abandoned person intensifies due to the fact that they broke up with her in this way. But the man was able to avoid the intense experience of his own “badness.”
3. Stay with your partner and hope that everything will work out.
Or it won't work out. But you will be left with the feeling of a martyr proudly carrying his cross, suffering in the name of lofty goals. Expect a reward, be offended by its absence and wait, wait... “We are responsible for those we have tamed” is one of the formulas for psychological dependence on other people, making any new relationships impossible. It may apply to animals, but not to people.
4. Break up with the words “It’s not about you, it’s about me”
Behind this phrase there may be a desire to present oneself as a person sacrificing oneself for the well-being of the “abandoned” party. “I’m not worthy of you,” “you deserve a better life.” It is much more difficult to bring down the anger from a breakup on such a holy person than on someone who openly and directly declares that he is leaving. But for in beautiful words hiding “I want to leave you, but I want you to think well of me.”
When it's good to be bad
The paradox is that it is these avoidance strategies that more often provoke anger and resentment than the breakup itself. Even when both partners are ready to end the relationship. Because there is no direct and frank conversation.
You can move away from the evaluative categories “good - bad” - they greatly simplify both the personality and the perception of what is happening. “I am the one who leaves you, I understand that I am hurting you. I don’t want this, I’m sad and hurt by your pain, but I made a decision.” Not the sadistic and insensitive “I don’t need you anymore, that’s it, finish”...
The nuances are also important. Did the person leaving do anything to save the relationship? Is he running away from accumulated problems into a new, more “comfortable” relationship, or is his step a measured one and a consequence of processes that have been going on in the couple for a long time? Is he trying to ease the pain of the breakup?
Breaking up, when you find the strength to be there and listen to reproaches addressed to you, requires a lot of courage, but it preserves something very important. Probably what is called human dignity.
Recognition is one of the main human needs. Therefore, people strive to establish meaningful, warm relationships with others. Dependent behavior is an extreme when recognition is needed at any cost, and without attachment a person faces the horror of loneliness and rejection. The other extreme is the desire to “stay good” for others and for oneself.
From childhood we receive the instruction: if you want to be loved, behave well, that is, the way your parents like it. Don’t hurt others, and the content of this “hurt” can vary from “caused physical injury” to “called five minutes later than promised.” Be good and you will be rewarded... Someday in the future.
Treat others as you would like to be treated... The wonderful “golden rule of ethics” relies on one of the most important manifestations of humanity - empathy. The problem is that any moral rule, elevated to an absolute, becomes impossible to implement. And you have to make deals with your conscience - or completely abandon your desires, because they often come into conflict with the desires of other people.
The girl is burdened by her relationship with her boyfriend, but is in no hurry to end it. There is an opportunity to leave, but it remains. “What keeps you in this relationship?” - “I don’t know...” - “And if you imagine that he left you, and not you him?” - “At this thought, I feel relief... And even joy!”
Where does the joy come from? It was not she who turned out to be “bad”, but he.
Four ways to stay good
This happens often: partners prefer to live in chronic discomfort rather than go through strong and painful experiences, even short-term ones. When the initiative to break up comes from you, and your partner doesn’t seem to feel such a desire, it’s simply impossible to be “good.” Standard scenarios “rescue”.
1. Wait for a reason to break up
The betrayal of a partner is perceived with hidden joy - this is the reason to separate. You remain good and in righteous anger, but he... If he had been faithful, then everything would have been different, but now nothing can be done, betrayal cannot be forgiven...
2. Run away without a showdown
For example, a man suddenly disappeared from a woman’s life without explaining anything, only writing a short text message, something like “it’s all over between us.” The pain of the abandoned person intensifies due to the fact that they broke up with her in this way. But the man was able to avoid the intense experience of his own “badness.”
3. Stay with your partner and hope that everything will work out.
Or it won't work out. But you will be left with the feeling of a martyr proudly carrying his cross, suffering in the name of lofty goals. Expect a reward, be offended by its absence and wait, wait... “We are responsible for those we have tamed” is one of the formulas for psychological dependence on other people, making any new relationships impossible. It may apply to animals, but not to people.
4. Break up with the words “It’s not about you, it’s about me”
Behind this phrase there may be a desire to present oneself as a person sacrificing oneself for the well-being of the “abandoned” party. “I’m not worthy of you,” “you deserve a better life.” It is much more difficult to bring down the anger from a breakup on such a holy person than on someone who openly and directly declares that he is leaving. But behind the beautiful words hides “I want to leave you, but I want you to think well of me.”
When it's good to be bad
The paradox is that it is these avoidance strategies that more often provoke anger and resentment than the breakup itself. Even when both partners are ready to end the relationship. Because there is no direct and frank conversation.
You can move away from the evaluative categories “good - bad” - they greatly simplify both the personality and the perception of what is happening. “I am the one who leaves you, I understand that I am hurting you. I don’t want this, I’m sad and hurt by your pain, but I made a decision.” Not the sadistic and insensitive “I don’t need you anymore, that’s it, finish”...
The nuances are also important. Did the person leaving do anything to save the relationship? Is he running away from accumulated problems into a new, more “comfortable” relationship, or is his step a measured one and a consequence of processes that have been going on in the couple for a long time? Is he trying to ease the pain of the breakup?
Breaking up, when you find the strength to be there and listen to reproaches addressed to you, requires a lot of courage, but it preserves something very important. Probably what is called human dignity.