When my mother brought a new man into the house, I didn’t want to accept him for a long time. Deep down, I was offended by my mother because of the divorce from my father. It seemed to me that she was to blame for their breakup. Once I even expressed my complaints to her, but she just twirled her finger at her temple.
At first, my mother’s new lover tried in every possible way to establish a relationship with me. But I limited myself to only dry answers. To be honest, I didn’t want to cross paths with him at all. It seemed to me that he didn’t love his mother at all. Vladimir had three children from two previous marriages, he worked as a TV repairman and household appliances, and almost all of his income went to paying alimony. I thought that he had no feelings for his mother - he was just comfortable with her. But my mother completely lost her head at that time - she idolized him. Six months later, I came to terms with the fact that a stranger began to live in our apartment. I even started communicating with him - Vladimir turned out to be an interesting conversationalist. It was fun to be with him!
At that moment I turned 26 years old, and I was completely occupied with my personal life. My boyfriend Andrey and I were going to get married. We dated him for four years. And deep down I believed that this was the person with whom I could connect my life. Everything collapsed in one day. One day during lunch break, my colleague and I went into a cafe. I was speechless - my boyfriend was sitting at a table at the end of the hall with some girl. It immediately became clear that this was far from a friendly meeting. They laughed, flirted, and at some point started kissing. I didn’t start a scandal in the cafe. I tried to pull myself together and somehow returned to work. I couldn’t believe what I saw. I returned home in a depressed state – I wanted to scream. Mom was working that day night shift, only Vladimir was in the house. He immediately realized that I was in trouble. I don’t know why, but that evening I told him everything. We drank, and at some point I lost control of myself. We started kissing, and in the morning we woke up in the same bed. I was shocked by my behavior. I immediately told my mother’s boyfriend that everything that happened was a big mistake, which it was better for my mother not to know about.
Feeling guilty about my own mother helped me disconnect a little from my own problems. I practically didn’t think about Andrei’s betrayal - all my thoughts were occupied with what would happen if my mother found out about my intimacy with her husband. Fortunately, Volodya didn’t tell his mother anything. I stopped all communication with Andrey - I did not answer calls or text messages. She didn’t even explain anything to him. At first he tried to establish communication with me, but then he stopped.
Once, when my mother left for a day, Volodya and I were left alone again. And history repeated itself. Since then sexual relations My stepfather and I were regular. Every time after another sex, I promised myself that nothing like this would happen again. And every time she broke her vows. I had a great time with Vladimir. I have never had such a caring man before. It seemed that he guessed all my desires in advance.
At some point I realized that I could no longer live like this. I wanted to spend every minute with Vladimir. You just can’t imagine how painful it was for me to watch his relationship with his mother develop. Every evening I sobbed into my pillow, tried to calm myself down and try to pull myself together, but nothing worked. I simply could not tell my mother about our connection!
One day, having decided to forget him once and for all, I decided to look for rental housing. Mom was against me living alone. But I was sure that only in this way could I forget Volodya. At first it was difficult: I thought about him all the time! And then I met a guy who I really liked. My friends were jealous of our relationship. Sergey really treated me very sincerely and reverently. Therefore, when seven months after we met he proposed to me, I agreed without hesitation.
It seemed like live and be happy. But after the wedding, Volodya reappeared on the horizon. They constantly came to see us with their mother on weekends. And when we were alone, he tried to compliment me. At first, his behavior even frightened me. I cut him off mid-sentence several times. But he seemed to understand nothing. Once I even asked my mother not to come to us with her husband. Vladimir, of course, was offended, but it was easier for me.
Once I called him myself, which I still regret. Our new TV broke down at home, and I asked Vladimir to fix the problem. He came in the afternoon, at that time I was at home alone. When Volodya fixed the TV, I offered him a cup of coffee. In the kitchen he began to reach out to me. I couldn’t refuse - I was drawn to him. Since then, our relationship has resumed. We meet two to three times a week. I know that I’m doing the wrong thing, but I can’t give up on Volodya.
I know that many will judge me. I reproach myself for betraying both my mother and my husband. Perhaps this is my fate. I see that Volodya himself does not take our relationship seriously, as some kind of entertainment. And I accept it. Although deep down I am very afraid that my relatives will find out about our connection. But I still hope that this never happens. I also believe that one day I will be able to erase Vladimir from my life once and for all.
Alevtina, St. Petersburg.
The terms “father” and “stepfather” in a family where there has been a divorce have an equally important position. A man, a woman’s new husband, is not just a guest and a person coming into the house, but he, like his beloved, is involved in raising her children.
It is not unreasonable and quite often that “scrupulous” situations arise in such families - children do not want to recognize their stepfather and are jealous of their mother, and vice versa, but today we should talk about the situation when a daughter admits that she loves her stepfather not as a child, but as a woman and sees his mother as a rival. What should you do and how should your spouse behave?
Often a teenage girl confesses to her mother. The girl knows that this is not a man from her blood, she sees his tenderness and affection for his mother, and at the subconscious level she wants the same man in her life, because she does not receive such a warm attitude from her own father. A girl can get carried away by the image of such a strong and strong companion and exaggerate words about emotional attachment - hormones are playing, and among her peers there are no men like the wall, since young men are not yet able to bear such responsibility and give such care to their significant other.
What to do if your daughter falls in love with her stepfather?
First of all, the mother should not yell at the child and accuse her of selfishness; remember that the girl took a big step and told everything. You cannot push your daughter away with a scandal, because she may not tell you anything else later. Under no circumstances should you show your nervous state or look at her as if she were a homewrecker.
First, think and weigh whether there are any “alarm bells” and objectively look at the relationship between the stepfather and his daughter. Only the man, because he is older and more experienced, dominates and leads the line of relationships between family members. Were there any clear signs from your spouse regarding the girl? Think about it.
Of course, if these “calls” do not exist, then the stepfather should not be provoked and should be informed about the girl’s attitude towards him. Because she is in love, a young lady will show an unambiguous interest and important behavior from a man - not to encourage “shooting eyes”, but to talk. The stepfather should explain that he loves you as a woman, and the girl as your child, but nothing more. You should be present during this conversation too.
If your daughter is already quite independent, then live with your husband in another apartment - give the girl freedom so as not to ruin the relationship between you. The girl needs to communicate more with her peers, with other people, but you must keep in touch. Tell her that you are not an enemy and mean well, but you love your husband and are afraid of losing him. Do not neglect words about violence and sexual relations - take your daughter to a gynecologist and psychologist - specialists will answer whether this really happened.
If doctors reveal facts of violence, contact law enforcement agencies and leave your spouse.
I didn’t even notice how much she grew up. It’s just that one day, having arrived from a business trip, instead of a small, frail girl, I suddenly met a tall, slender girl. She cut off her braids and looked strikingly like her mother. Now I could no longer calmly look at her figure as before when she changed clothes.
She seemed to have completely stopped being shy about me. And more and more often I had to look away so as not to betray my excitement. In the summer, she walked around the apartment wearing a long, almost transparent T-shirt over her naked body. Making me flinch every time she bent down to pick something up from the floor or look into the nightstand. However, after some time, the accidents began to resemble a game. Either she will forget the belt from her robe and it will unsuccessfully swing open right in front of my eyes, or I will forget to lock the door to the bathroom. And she, coming from training, pokes her head in to wash her hands, and instead of “sorry,” I hear “hello!”
- Is my daughter beautiful? - my wife asked once when I, absent-mindedly, tried to go into the bathtub, where Zhenya was already there.
I remained silent, only nodded weakly in response. And before my eyes there was still a narrow girl’s ass: when I opened the door, Zhenya had already undressed and for some reason bent over. Her sharp buttocks were staring at me, and she didn’t even flinch, didn’t try to cover herself, but just waited until I was done and closed the door. Out of a sense of natural modesty, I slammed it shut almost immediately.
One day, passing by her room, through the slightly open door, I noticed her lying on the sofa reading some magazine. As usual, she bent her legs at the knees and my gaze caught the little black hairs escaping from under her transparent panties. Swallowing my saliva, I went further to the kitchen. After making a sandwich and taking a bottle of beer out of the refrigerator, I decided to return to the computer. But he stopped again at her room.
While I was walking, she apparently read to an interesting place. She continued to hold the magazine with one hand, while the other fell between her spread legs. His fingers gently stroked the stretched fabric of his panties. For some reason it became so quiet that the buzz of a passing fly would have seemed like the roar of an airliner.
Zhenya stroked herself, gradually becoming more and more interested in this activity. Soon the unwanted magazine fell to the floor, followed by the panties. Her finger timidly touched the labia and began its rhythmic movements. Quiet squelching sounds reached me. Blood rushed between my legs. The member tensed to the point of pain. And the girl, thinking that no one was looking at her, continued her occupation. Having wet her finger, she began to move it around the disproportionately large nipple. Then she squeezed her chest with her palm and pulled it away from her. The second hand never stopped stroking the perineum, but now the middle finger began to linger more and more often near the inconspicuous tubercle. Her body shuddered every time. At some point she tensed up and moved her hand frequently. Her body began to twitch in time with the movements of her hand, as if she was now in charge. And then her thighs involuntarily tightened, squeezing her palm on both sides, her legs stretched out and a muffled final moan was heard.
Now I knew that the hot passions of desire had already become known to her. Sweet girl! How naturally she gave herself over to the passion that burned her. At these moments there were no problems or prohibitions for her. Just sail on the waves of pleasure! Just give in to the storm of orgasm!
Afraid of being discovered, I quickly went to my room. He sat down at the table, staring stupidly at the monitor. I wasn’t in any mood to write a program. With every thought about what he saw, his penis trembled and burst out of his pants. I lowered my hand and touched him. It felt like I was holding a hot piece of metal in my hands. Forgetting caution, I pulled it over my tights. He began to move his fist slowly. And instantly lost track of reality. I haven’t had such strong passion and such pleasure as these fantasies about a young girl evoked for a long time. I squirmed, spasms of pleasure beat my body until a stream of seed left my penis. But even then he didn’t fall, but continued to twitch in my hands, as if he still didn’t have enough.
One day a friend came to see Zhenya. “But she’s okay,” I noted to myself: “A little shorter than Zhenya. Her figure has already taken shape. And her face is all her guys.”
- This is Anya, we will do our homework together. Don't come see us for two hours, okay?
I shrugged and nodded. Lessons are lessons. I never checked whether she teaches them or not - the person is an adult. She must manage her own time and deal with her own problems. When it doesn’t work out, come and I’ll help.
About half an hour passed when my passion left the room dressed incredibly: a short top, a colorful scarf on her hips. When Zhenya walked, the edges of the scarf parted a little and it was clear that there was nothing underneath.
-Are you teaching lessons there or what?
- We're on a break. We decided to come up with new outfits. How do you like this one?
“You look good in all your outfits, darling,” I quoted the classic. To the place.
A bright smile flashed on her face, and my interlocutor disappeared into her room again.
For about twenty minutes I convinced myself that peeking was bad and that it could turn into a bad habit. Not convinced. True, this time chance did not smile on me - the door was tightly closed. And I thanked the builders for the fact that in our house it occurred to them to make windows above the doors. A video camera placed on the door frame solved all the problems.
In the evening, when my wife went on duty, I decided to look at the results of the underground filming. “Decided” is of course an understatement. I was simply shaking with impatience and the desire to see everything in detail.
First, some flashes ran across the screen, and then I saw Zhenya pulling her top over her head. Anya, wearing panties the size of a lace, stood opposite her. A moment later, her hands touched Zhenya’s chest. Zhenya slapped her on the palms, as if saying: “Don’t be a bully.” Then Anya took her hands in hers and put them to herself. The girl touched the small tubercles and slid her fingers over the nipples. Anya pulled the knot of the scarf, and it fell to the floor. Naked and beautiful Zhenya now stood in the middle of the room, and her friend, leaning forward a little, kissed her breasts. Zhenya put her hands on Anya’s ass, began stroking her buttocks, and pulled her towards the sofa. Lying on her back, she pushed her friend's head down between her legs. “Anya’s ass is designed for a penis,” I noted to myself. And then the door creaked.
Turning around, I saw a familiar figure flash through the doorway. “What a habit of looking into a room without knocking.” I turned off the TV and went into Zhenya’s room.
She lay on the bed and cried.
- What are you doing? - I sat down next to her and hugged her shoulders.
She cried even more.
- Don't cry. What happened?
- I'm not like that. It was Anka who persuaded me, but I was just curious.
“Oh, so it’s because of this,” I drawled. - Then you should be upset in vain. There is only one prohibition in sex - as long as it doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable. And so everything is possible.
She calmed down a little and even looked up from the pillow:
-You won’t tell your mom anything?
- I won’t tell you and I won’t show you. Let’s generally agree that sex is everyone’s private matter and we don’t interfere with each other. And of course we don’t tell our mother about him.
-Can we gossip among ourselves sometimes?
- We can do it among ourselves. Now go wash your face, otherwise you have become completely ugly.
She wiped her nose and smiled. Oh! What a smile that was!
Several days passed, and the sweet little naughty girl surprised me once again. This time it was in the evening. The wife “convinced” her to go to bed early, under the pretext that she would have to get up early tomorrow, and she went to take an evening shower.
I was smoking on the balcony when Zhenya slipped into the room, allegedly needing something there. I shook my head and waved my hand: “Get lost.” She smiled and flew away.
The sound of water in the bathroom stopped, and my beloved, incomparable and desirable wife appeared in the room. She fell on the bed into my arms and kissed me deeply.
- Maybe today I will be able to resist your charms? - I joked.
“No way,” she shook her head. - Today I am more determined than ever. Moreover, you will have to survive this weekend without me.
- Your mother can’t cope on her own?
- Darling, we have already said that I myself am interested in going to the village.
She pressed her lips to mine with a sweet and passionate kiss. All that was left was to give in to her passion. At the last moment, before I plunged into the abyss of love, I noticed the slightly open door of our room and a light figure behind it...
The day after my wife left, I decided to spend the evening online and stocked up on beer. But as soon as the modem reported a stable connection, Zhenya’s voice came from the bathroom. I responded dissatisfied:
- What do you want?
- I forgot the towel. It's in my room on the bed.
You'll have to break the connection:
- I'll bring it now.
I pushed a towel through the crack of the slightly open door, but for some reason she was in no hurry to take it.
- Zhenya! - I reminded myself.
- I wash my hair. I don't see anything. - I heard in response. - Hang it yourself.
To do this I had to open the door and go in. Behind the transparent film in the clouds of steam stood my charmer. The head was really soapy. With her arms raised, her breasts looked especially beautiful. Black hairs, like lambs, clustered on the pubic area. I hung the towel on the radiator and got ready to go out.
-Are you still here? - she asked.
- Here. What else?
- Rub my back, otherwise mom’s not here.
- When will you become independent? - I asked grumpily, soaping my sponge and thinking about why she had never approached me with such a request before.
- Why?
“Just in case,” I muttered, the first thing that came to mind, and pulled back the curtain.
She turned to the large wall-length mirror, exposing her back to me. The sponge slid easily over her body, leaving a soapy trail on her soft skin. I got over her back pretty quickly, but didn’t deny myself the pleasure of stroking her shoulders for a while, then slid lower. He walked under her armpits, almost touching her small breasts. Just a little lower. Her ass trembled slightly at the first touch of a man’s hand. And I began to soap her especially carefully, inadvertently grabbing her thighs. In the mirror it was clear that Zhenya liked it. She closed her eyes to completely surrender to the new sensations.
After running the sponge several times along the spine, free hand I took her just below her chest and turned her towards me. Now I held her waist with one hand, and with the other, with a sponge, I lightly touched her shoulder. He passed between the tubercles to the navel. She didn't even open her eyes. She just started breathing a little faster and leaned a little harder on my hand. I circled the sponge around her breasts. The nipple instantly became erect. The same thing happened with the second one. Pressing a little harder, I stroked them and moved to my stomach. Without touching the most secluded place, I soaped my stomach and inner thighs. Back to the nipples again. Now, circling the chest, I touched them, as if they were small butterflies, trying not to frighten them away.
Finally my hand approached her womb. I felt that another second and she would explode in a storm of orgasm. I stopped my hand at the very last moment. Her hand lay on mine, grabbing the sponge and rushing towards the goal. Something prevented me from staying. I was afraid of what was going to happen. For some reason, I decided that I could not, I had no right to be present at the inevitable climax. Not wanting to wait for the outcome, I left her alone and ran out into the corridor.
In my room, I turned on the TV and plopped down on the sofa. An unfinished bottle of beer came to hand...
I woke up to someone looking at me. Without opening my eyes, I listened to the world around me. Water was dripping from the kitchen faucet again. Cars rustled outside the window. Someone, barely breathing, stands next to the bed. What about me? I’m lying barely covered with a sheet, without swimming trunks, and my friend is in a hurry to remind me of his awakening. And this is at his age! It's time to calm down, by the way.
A slight movement of someone else's hand, and the edge of the sheet hiding my comrade rises. Someone is looking at me with interest. Strange. My wife never did that. True, I woke up from the fact that she began to suck on it in the morning, but to examine it? Why look at him?
From the memories, the member twitched several times and became even more tense. The pubis was absolutely itchy. Trying not to reveal my awakening, I indulged my desire. The sheet immediately fell back to its original place. "Is it really she?"
Sluggishly, as if waking up, I opened my eyes. She shuddered, a slight embarrassment ran across her pretty face.
“Good morning,” I said, yawning, and, to get her out of the awkward situation, I added, “Have you come to wake me up?”
“Yes,” Zhenya immediately agreed. - Otherwise you risk sleeping all weekend.
I didn’t want to get up in front of her. She, pretending that she didn’t know that I wasn’t dressed, pulled the sheet over herself. I only managed to stop her at the last moment. And he showed with his eyes that she should go out. She, albeit reluctantly, obeyed.
We had breakfast in silence. Then she turned on the water and began to empty the dishes. I held out the mug to the tap.
- Turn it on cold.
I poured just a little into the mug and said, “Thank you.” Then, I don’t know why, I poured it all down the back of her neck. She squealed and started hitting me with her palms:
- Fool! You got me all wet!
And she splashed water on me. Now we were both wet.
- In the calculation! - she immediately screamed.
- OK.
She had to change her favorite hundred-year-old T-shirt to a robe. It fit perfectly around her chiseled figure and kept threatening to fall open. This didn’t bother her at all - she smelled it after some time, as if reluctantly, out of a necessity incomprehensible to her. My “modest girl” continued to frown. I walked up to her and touched her shoulder. She pulled back, then turned around.
“Well, don’t be angry,” I said and spread her arms to the sides. The hem of the robe immediately parted, and I saw pink, untanned tubercles between them. I could no longer take my eyes off them. A fresh wind caught me. Her face flared up with the flames of autumn rain. The wings of a small white bird fluttered in my hands.
- Like? - she asked. When it became impossible to pretend that she did not understand the object of my interest.
- What about you?
- What? - she was surprised.
- What you came to see this morning.
I let go of her hands. They fell along the body, then she touched my thighs. Her gaze froze on my swimming trunks, under which life had clearly begun to emerge. I didn't interfere. The member became larger and more insistently yearning for freedom. Finally her fingers slid to the edge of her swimming trunks, she pulled them towards her and down.
My uplifted charm jumped out. Zhenya glanced up to see my reaction, and then took the penis in her hands.
“He’s so big,” she whispered. - It’s so nice to feel it in your hands.
She knelt down and timidly kissed the slightly open head.
- Did your mother do this to you?
I nodded.
- I don’t know what’s next.
I took her hand, with which she grabbed my penis.
- Imagine that there is a sweet candy in front of you. And then your intuition will tell you.
Seeing how deftly she wields my tool, one might think that this is not the first time for her. Her thin lips easily fit my being, and both hands helped give me more and more pleasure. With one she stroked my penis, with the other she began to rub my balls and stroke my ass. Did anyone explain or have you seen enough of the movie? In any case, I couldn't stand it for long...
- Am I probably stupid? - she asked after swallowing everything.
I smiled and lifted her by the shoulders. A long kiss brought us even closer.
- You did great.
- Better than mom's? - she lifted her nose.
“I think it will get much better with time,” I assured her, still holding her in my arms. With my hand I felt her wet lips. - Let's go to the room, I think I know what you want now.
I carefully kissed her small breasts, stroked her belly with my hand, carefully, very carefully touched the flower of passion. Her body was completely under my control. She readily accepted affection and responded warmly to any of them. Finally she tensed up and writhed in my arms like a trapped bird. And then she hugged me tightly.
- It's so great to be with you. So good,” she whispered. Then she touched her hand to my organ, which again felt strong. - Why didn't you use it?
- Do you want to lose your virginity right now?
She thought for a moment and then asked:
- And if not, won’t you be offended?
I laughed and kissed her forehead:
- My dear. Of course not.
- But we will be with you...?
- Can someone stop us?
She shook her head.
“You didn’t do anything that I should scold you for?” - my wife asked, kissing me deeply.
“I don’t think so,” I shrugged. - What kind of attack of jealousy is this?
- This is not jealousy, but caution. What if some real thing wants to take you away from your family.
- Well... This definitely doesn’t threaten us.
- I don’t know, I don’t know... Where is Zhenya?
- I went to the store to buy bread.
- Has she decided to do something around the house? - the wife was amazed. -You have a good influence on her. Maybe we should leave you alone more often?
Not every adult can easily find common language with children. What if you need to become a parent to a child? After all, this happens - they marry women with children. What if mom got married? A new marriage is a difficult moment, especially in the life of a child. Therefore, adults, and especially mothers, need to be patient. These tips will help build warm, comfortable relationships in the family.
Our expert - Yulia Shcherbakova , children's and family psychologist, Gestalt therapist at the children's development and creativity studio "I".
RULE 1: Take your time
“The more attention you pay to the relationship in the beginning, the fewer unpleasant surprises you will have ahead.” It is very important to understand what role a woman invites a man to play in her family: the role of husband, partner or father to a child? Tell your child about what you have new man, preferably when you are already confident in your relationship with him. And if you really decide that you want to be a couple, then go for it. But act consistently and slowly.
It’s better to start dating on neutral territory. This could be a trip out of town, a trip to the cinema, a cafe, a walk in the park. A relaxed atmosphere will relieve tension. Warn your child in advance that a person you really like will be with you, tell him a little about him. There is no need to say a lot, do not overload the child with unnecessary information. Offer to call him by his name, this will make things easier for both of you. Do not push your child into a relationship; it is important that he himself regulates the distance and speed of approach. For some time it is better to meet on neutral territory, then invite the man to visit. And only then talk about living together.
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RULE 2: Don't pass the buck
“Do you like or dislike Uncle Sasha?”, “Would you like Uncle Sasha to live with us?” Children should not be asked these questions. A child cannot make such a choice. Adults must make decisions, including whether they are ready to live together. And it is much calmer and safer for a child to be around parents who take a responsible approach to their lives and are confident in what they are doing.
RULE 3: Do not substitute concepts
It is often not easy for a woman to raise a child alone. And with the appearance of a man in the family, she begins to involve him in raising her, unwittingly inviting him to play the role of father. Unfortunately, this can only alienate the child from his stepfather, and in the worst case, cause hatred. In case of conflict, ask your chosen one how he sees this situation from the outside. Tell him how to support you without attacking the child with claims. Believe me, this will help maintain good relations between two people dear to you.
A stepfather is not a father. He is the mother's man, the partner, looking at whom the child will learn the relationship between a man and a woman, between an adult and a child, and rely on this experience in the future. It's no secret that good relationship can only be built on trust. So don't be afraid to tell your children the truth. Even if the baby is still small, he has the right to know what he has biological father. Children are able to accept the reality they find themselves in with the right support from adults. And deception and the mother’s reluctance to talk can cause anxiety and mistrust.
Leave the child the right to see his father. It is important that he has good ideas about his own dad. Remember pleasant moments from the past: how you met the father of your son or daughter, why you fell in love with him. If the child asks why you broke up, you will have to tell the truth. But don't go into details. The younger the child, the shorter the answer should be: “Your dad was young and not ready to have a family,” “He left for another city,” or something like that.
If the family order is not disturbed, the child knows the truth about his own father, it will be easier for him to accept his stepfather. Do not force your child to fall in love with a stranger, just as a stepfather is not obliged to love your child. It will be enough if they can become friends!
RULE 4: Allow your child to show feelings
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The arrival of a new person in the family is a kind of crisis. It will no longer be possible to live in the old way, but how to live in a new way is still unknown. We will have to redraw internal boundaries, take into account the fact that a new person. For example: previously the baby could sleep with his mother, but now he needs to sleep separately. Previously, my toys stood here, and now Uncle Sasha’s books stood here.
Crisis moments in life, as a rule, are accompanied by great anxiety and the experience of various emotions: jealousy, fear, anger, sadness, despair. It is very important to allow the child to experience these feelings. If you give them a way out, sooner or later you will notice how your baby will calm down and accept new changes. Adults just need to have a little patience.
RULE 5: Consider the child’s age
Sometimes a friendly attitude is enough to make friends with a child. But children are different, and it is important to remember some age-related characteristics. If a family has a child of preschool and primary school age, best way making friends with him is a joint game. Offer your participation when the child is interested, or organize it yourself. It can also be mobile, role playing games, constructor assembly. It’s enough to remember your childhood and show a little imagination. Children of this age love to spend a lot of time with their parents: walking together, going to the movies, and more.
Question for a psychologist:
Hello, my name is Olga. I found myself in a difficult situation, for which I was to blame, and perhaps not only. But first, I'll tell you about myself. I am 21 years old, I now live with my mother, stepfather and sister. My sister is 5 years old, she is my stepfather’s daughter. My own father never raised me. After I was born, he got into drugs and never lived with us again. he died in 2012.
We changed our place of residence several times. After my father left, we lived for some time with my grandmother (mother’s mother). Afterwards, my mother met a man who was also addicted to drugs. We lived with him for some time, I never knew any affection or attention. And, unfortunately, I had to sleep with them in the same room, and hear what a child should not hear. But it didn't last long - we left. He died soon after. And this is not the last man in my mother’s life. But mom didn’t have a good relationship with any of them.
I practically spent my entire childhood with my grandmother, who showed excessive severity towards me, which sometimes came into contact with cruel actions. It happened that because of this I didn’t want to live, I wanted to forget. But kindness, of course, was not absent. Now we have a good relationship, she realized her mistakes. I share everything with her first.
I grew up in a strict upbringing, and I don’t know, perhaps this was the reason that I became a reserved person and was silent at school. I was sometimes not allowed to bring friends over to have fun, as long as it was quiet. She cursed at every occasion. I began to slowly withdraw from communication, I was afraid that she would again disgrace me in front of my peers and friends. And they also began to move away from me.
We have lived with our stepfather for 12 years. He is 37 years old. He treated me well since childhood, I knew love, affection and attention, and I did not experience any cruelty from him. We went everywhere with him, he took me around. I practically spent time with him, with my mother, mostly only at home. I was about 10 years old when I met him. This good relationship continued all these years. We had common interests in 60s music, which is quite strange for my age (I was 12), but the similarities in interests did not end there. Everything went so well that it imperceptibly moved into another stage of development. He did not personify in my face a strict father, but a very loved one, as a friend, one might say. And it so happened that this closeness crossed boundaries. He let me near him. And it came down to sexual actions on his part, and I didn’t mind. My feeling of remorse disappeared, narrowed the scope of the concept of “impossible” and sometimes I myself showed these actions towards him. But I’m still a virgin, it didn’t go any further. But these sexual activities continued for some time. Then strange feelings constantly pressed me, so I decided to just forget about it and try not to remember. This never happened again, but the relationship still remained that way. As I grew older, he became more interested in me, and we communicated as equals. Mom is a home person, and she rarely had the desire to go somewhere, and after the birth of the child, not at all. Therefore, the relationship with my mother began to fade unnoticed. And my stepfather too. They lost common topics of conversation and were limited to the everyday level of communication. Everyone for themselves.
I've never had boyfriends in my life. And perhaps in him I found compensation for this. Now I have a boyfriend. I met him on the Internet. And, having learned about my correspondence with him, my stepfather did not give me peace from that moment. He created a fictitious page on behalf of a girl, and allegedly corresponded with her, in order to attract my attention (as it turned out, he was corresponding with himself). Since then, I understood the seriousness of my childhood mistakes. There was a smell of jealousy here. But I constantly asked what was the matter, leave me alone. But throughout the year of my correspondence with the guy, my stepfather did not give me peace. And he didn’t answer what the real reason was. And when a guy came to me, this reason was revealed. He sent me a letter in which he spoke about his feelings for me, which had flared up for me since childhood. I was in crazy shock. The letter said that he had never had such a hard time in his life and needed time to heal his wounds. If it weren’t for my sister (his daughter), he would have left for six months somewhere, he wrote. He wrote that it was impossible not to fall in love with such a girl, and that all his correspondence with the fictitious girl was in order to test my feelings for him. But he realized that he was mistaken.
I wrote him a letter in response, in which I stated that I had become very attached to him as a child, that I loved him, but not with the love he would like, that I did not have those feelings for him, but I was very afraid of losing him. I asked what he saw in the future, how he planned to live, but I did not receive an answer. And she said that whatever feelings I had, it couldn’t have been more in any case, since he is my sister’s father and my mother’s husband, be that as it may. Afterwards, he wrote me a letter in response, calling it insincere, highlighting some paragraphs from my letter, humiliating me completely. And reminding me of what I allowed myself as a child. And here my feeling of guilt awoke again.
He asked not to let anyone read his first letter. But my grandmother bothered me, one after another, asking why he doesn’t give you peace with your boyfriend. And these questions weakened me, I told them the essence of the reasons for my stepfather’s behavior towards me. They constantly insisted that this was jealousy and, after I explained it to them, they confirmed it by saying that it was already clear. I didn’t let anyone read the letter, but two people knew the general essence of the problem from my words. And unfortunately, one grandmother did not keep her word and told my mother about this, about his feelings and his letter to me, thinking that this would make it better, but soon realizing her mistake. My stepfather found out that my mother knew everything. And mom cried a lot. But oh sexual activities as a child she doesn’t know (although I’m not sure), her attitude has now changed towards me, I don’t know what my stepfather said.
I am now worried about this situation, I am afraid for my sister, she is 5 years old. I know that if my mother had not found out, everything would have continued the same, he never showed it, for the sake of his daughter. And now everything has been revealed, and according to rumors, my mother is starting to think about looking for a replacement for him, which I’m afraid of. I know that he will never leave his daughter, but my mother, knowing the truth, does not intend to live like that. Mom is 39 years old. And she's tired of being "alone". And I wouldn’t want this family to break up. Although it had long been foreshadowed that the relationship they had would not exist.
I am planning to move to next year to the guy. I think it’s right, I just have to. I know that now I need to improve my relationship with my mother, but I don’t know how.
I would like to know your opinion, am I the only one to blame for this situation, what is the source of all this? And the second question will not be clear, I want to know your opinion about this whole situation, maybe you can draw your own conclusions and give necessary advice. What should I do now with our family relationships how to fix them.
I will be grateful to you for your sincere answer, because I understand that I am the culprit of the situation, and I want to let go of my burden, no matter what the truth is. Thank you for your attention.
Psychologist Svetlana Viktorovna Bashtynskaya answers the question.
Olga, hello!
The first thing I want to say is that you are not to blame. You were a child, a girl who frantically wanted warmth and care, like any normal child. And at that moment the responsibility was on your stepfather, as a conscious adult.
Now he is trying to manipulate you, make you feel guilty, I would even call it blackmail. At the same time, he does not see his contribution to this situation, he should have kept his distance, he broke the law. And it’s not you who should be ashamed of the fact that you had a sexual relationship. This is entirely the responsibility of an adult at that time. He distorted and distorts the real facts, and you accepted this, because then you were still a child, you trusted him. You write, “he let me get close to him,” but in reality it was he who let himself get close to you. This important point, pay attention to the difference, it shows how, under the influence of your stepfather, your picture of the world developed, how your perception was distorted.
Reading your letter, I imagined a lonely little girl who did not have a person to trust. And this plunges you into despair and hopelessness. It was very difficult and painful for you. And then your stepfather appeared, a man who, as it seemed to you, surrounded you with selfless and unconditional love and affection. You didn’t know how it could be different, you didn’t have that experience. Moreover, such a strong and mature person appeared next to you. It seemed to you that the way he showed his care and affection, his love, was the norm, and at that moment there was no person nearby who could explain the difference to you. Who would show you healthy feelings, healthy support. You were just a girl who didn't know what it was like, and it could never be your fault...
The stepfather continues to play his game with you, he tries to make you feel guilty, to put pressure on your pain points, he tries to continue to use you. After all, he was so comfortable and comfortable, but here you grew up and decided to live your own normal separate life. Of course, he is outraged, he is angry, but it is important to understand that these are his feelings, they have nothing to do with you. He chooses how he behaves, and you can't make him feel good, and you shouldn't.
You act in your own interests, and this is normal and healthy, rather than adapting to others, even close ones.
And I want to say that it is very brave of you to share your experiences with your grandmother and your letter here. Carrying such a load alone is unbearable.
As for your mother and her situation, you take on a lot - taking care of your mother’s family, your stepfather, your grandmothers. Remind yourself that this is their life and their decisions. Mom has the right to decide on a divorce. And in my opinion, this is a normal reaction of a person who cares about his children. Living with a person who deceived, who constantly violates boundaries, who betrays (and in my opinion, the situation with you, as with your daughter, is precisely betrayal) means not loving yourself, and there is no talk of happiness here. You write that your mother is tired of being alone - how did this happen if they have been living with your stepfather for 12 years? This means there were great difficulties in their relationship, which means they did not give her support and support, and accordingly your mother can cope on her own.
It is important for you to focus on your life, make your plans, your family. Your move is a healthy decision and it should be based on your needs, what you want, what is important to you. And parents are already adults, they will figure it out and handle it themselves.
You would really like everyone to be happy and everything to be fine, so that your mother doesn’t worry, and so that everything is fine with your sister. And answering your last question, I will say that it is important for you to take care of yourself, your experiences, your interests. Learn to live for yourself and separate yourself from your family (this is a normal healthy stage in every person’s life). This is not so easy to do, especially since you have cared about others all your life, and maybe now is the moment when you can learn to live differently.
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