It is very emotional that artificially postponing the start of family relationships for the sake of a career is savagery and does not lead to anything good. Conversation from four years ago. But, in my opinion, it is still relevant now, because since 2008, our culture, unfortunately, has not changed that much. The questions come from Paul Strand, a reporter for CBS. Translated by Kirill Petukhovsky. The interview has been slightly shortened, but you can read it in full on the Association of Blessed Families website
Q: Mark, you say that today's young people need to get married much earlier. Why?
A: The big disaster in marriage now is that people are putting off marriage, especially in the Christian world. Jesus said, “Be in the world, but do not be worldly,” and this has always been the test of Christianity. But our thinking is similar to the thinking of people in the pagan culture that we live in, and they say, "Put it down! Put it down! Put it down!" I know Christian parents who even threaten their children not to get married before they are 30 or else they will stop paying them for college, etc. ...and then tell them not to have sex. So how does it work?! It's just a disaster.
What happens is that these guys pick up all sorts of bad habits, become sexually active too early, have multiple partners, or a lot of guys get heavily into pornography and that sort of thing. And when they get married, they carry all this baggage with them.
Many people before marriage learned to start and break relationships several times. What does this teach them? When the going gets tough, get out! And now, when they got married and think that they have found their one and only, suddenly it becomes difficult, and they do what they have always done - they reel in the fishing rods. They learned this when they were 21, 22, 24, 28, and now, when they are 32 and married, and difficulties arise, they run away.
The idea of postponing marriage is ridiculous and absurd, and it is destroying our marriage culture. It's better to do it right from the beginning than to do it wrong later!
Q: Some people in the church think that maybe people don't need sex before marriage. What do you say to this?
A: This oppressive idea of encouraging young people to remain celibate until they are 30 is ridiculous. And I would say that if you can wait that long, then don't get married at all! If you are able to wait until you are 30, you are happy with everything and you have no sexual problems, then by God you better become a monk! Remain single and do church work, and Paul said that best option because you can spend more time in the Kingdom of God.
In reality, young people are losing their sexual purity. One of the biggest misfortunes is that our guys are so addicted to pornography that when they finally get married, they can't stop it. I meet guys like this all the time at my conferences. They come up to me with their lovely wives, and the wife says, “He doesn’t want to have sex with me, he just wants to watch pornography.” And these are Christians! Who in their right mind would choose pornography over a real woman?
Only in the USA! Why? Because they got hooked on this behavior when they were 20, 25, 30 years old. Now they're married and they think, "OK, marriage will solve this." But this problem is not resolved. They get married and actually continue to prefer pornography to their own wife. This is a disaster for a marriage, but no one talks about it.
Q: Doesn't it matter that young people have little money?
A: When I married my wife, we were incredibly bankrupt, incredibly stupid, but we never had any problems... in our relationship. We had a hard time in life, sometimes we struggled to pay the bills, but what does it matter? None! Unless you start being selfish and ruining your relationship by blaming each other for everything.
Or your mom shows up and starts saying, “I told you you’re too young to get married.” Yeah, that's a big help.
Q: Do you think parents should help young couples?
A: Of course. Why don't parents help their children when they get married? What kind of thinking is it in our culture that when you get married, you are completely cut off from your family and financial support? We ourselves create the environment that causes children to fail.
If you helped them when they were single, 20 years old and in college, then why do you stop helping them just because they got married? Where is the logic here? We helped put our daughter through college while she was married. So what's the difference? No! The idea that we should deny them financial support just because they got married is laughable.
Q: Many people leave their extended family when they get married. Is this a good idea?
A: Life is not easy. Marriage is not easy. The Bible says, "Whoever marries will have tribulations according to the flesh." You won't hear this at a wedding, but it's reality. Marriage is not easy, so why not build your marriage around a strong, structured family?
My advice to young people: if you are going to marry a young girl, do not tear her away from her family. This is one of the biggest problems. Because if you tear her away from her support group, she will stick a straw in you and suck your brain through it in search of emotional support. A man was not created to be able to fulfill all of a woman's emotional needs. It will make your life miserable. It is better to leave her with her sister, mother, friends, she will give birth to your child surrounded by these people, she will feel more secure and will not constantly pester you. That's what's happening. The guy tears the girl away from her family, she tries to satisfy all her needs with his help, and this begins to destroy their relationship and drive him crazy. He cannot understand what is happening to her. "Why won't she leave me alone?" Buddy, you created this yourself.
Q: Most parents seem to stop helping their children when they get married. Is this the right decision?
A: The most important factor in a successful marriage is family involvement. Instead, we threaten our children. “If you get married, I don’t want to know you anymore!” And when kids get married, they leave the family, they're on their own, and then their marriage breaks down and they come back where everyone says, “I told you so. I knew it would happen.” If only the family were there to help first of all...
Honestly, I think family should be a huge factor in deciding who to marry. For thousands of years, men and women got married because their parents came together to help them make a decision. And it wasn't a sinister conspiracy where children were forced into marriage and "I couldn't marry the one I loved." This is all nonsense. Children have always had the right of veto. They were never forced to marry. Father and mother came up and said: "Listen, this would be good choice", and the children could agree or not. Even in the Bible they came to Rebekah and asked, "Do you want to marry Isaac?" and she had the right to say no, but she said, "Yes, okay." So that it's safe now because family is part of it.
Then, in the 18th century, parents stopped deciding - children began to decide. But then the parents had the right of veto. And now we believe that we are much “smarter”, no one has veto power, and “feelings” decide everything. It is our “feelings” that help us define the most important relationships in life, and it ends in disaster. No one has veto power, and it's a complete mess.
Let's admit that this generation in our country does not want their parents to help them in choosing a life partner. Well then, find yourself a mentor, some married couple, a person you trust, and ask him to help. But if you simply decide to trust your “feelings,” disaster awaits you.
Q: Isn't it crazy that our culture encourages people to wait and wait and wait before getting married?
A: It's a matter of maturity. What's happened is that we've created a teenage culture that, at its core, is all nonsense. There is no teenage culture anywhere in the world except in the West. Do you know that before the 50s we didn't have any teen culture? Such an expression didn't even exist. You were a young man or a young woman or a child. Then in the 50's, 60's and 70's we created teen culture and that culture is going straight to hell!
It's like children were allowed not to grow up. Well, it’s nothing when you’re 18. What about now? Now adolescence - up to 34 years old! We've created this extended adolescence where children don't grow up. They don't become mature because they are not required to! And the church allows this.
If the pagans want to live like this, then let them at least smash their foreheads against the wall. We can't control them. But what concerns me as a preacher of the Gospel is that the church thinks the same way. We created this extended adolescence! For those who claim that they are still too young to be mature, let me ask you: when a person is 30 years old and not yet married, are they still immature? Definitely yes! There are many young people under 32 who still live with their mother (especially young men), and who are still as immature and irresponsible as they were at 16. Why? Because, as we know in every world culture, boys turn into men through marriage, responsibility and children. That's what knocks the levity out of them.
And we say “put it aside, put it aside, put it aside, you’re still immature,” and they remain immature. Ask any 30-year-old single woman who is still looking for a boyfriend and she will tell you that they are all immature. They remain exactly the same. And do you know who these women prefer? Married or divorced men! Why? Because they are much more mature people. So what happened to these unmarried guys? They don't understand that such men are much more mature because they got married!
So all these arguments are ridiculous! They say that they are too young, that they cannot take on obligations. They say it's better to wait until after college. But every study shows that married college students do much better than unmarried students.
Q: What is the advantage of earlier marriages over later ones, as desired by modern culture?
A: I got married at 18, and all the children in my family get married early. If you're 21 in my family and haven't gotten married yet, there's something wrong with you! But divorce is unheard of; we don’t have such problems.
As I travel around the country and talk to couples at the marriage seminars I teach, I see that the happiest couples are those who started their family at 18, 19, 20, 21, no question. You can conduct such a survey yourself at any time.
Those who fared worse postponed marriage or entered and left marriage several times. The most important factor that people don't consider is not age, but sexual activity. The Heritage Foundation conducted a study and found that among women over 30 who had only one sexual partner, the divorce rate was only 20%. Among those who had one more partner (and here we are not talking about lovers), i.e. With just one more one-night stand, the divorce rate jumps to almost 50%, and for those who have had 3 partners it is 60%. I want to say that this is the most important indicator, it is all about sexual activity, and not about the level of maturity, money, education and such nonsense. It turns out that we ourselves are creating an environment that almost guarantees that these people will be sexually active and practically predetermine their unfortunate fate.
Mark Gungor talks with humor about the differences in thinking and behavior between men and women. Everyone who watches his talks will have discoveries, and you will find something for yourself that will radically change your life. It's best if you watch this video in pairs.
Instead of an introduction, there is a short excerpt from the speech, which can be called “How to succeed with a woman” - it is useful for men and women to watch.
1 Mark Gungor. Male and female brain
After watching this part, you will understand the fundamental difference in the thinking of men and women, why it is so difficult to understand each other and how to make your communication more effective.
2 Mark Gungor. A tale of two brains. Part 2
In this part, you will understand that when problems arise in a relationship, you need to dig not into the other person, but into yourself. For example, if you ask your husband to do something and he doesn’t do it, the problem is not with him, but with you. Why? Watch the video and understand how to force your husband to do what you need without scandals and insults.
3 Mark Gungor on sex. Part 1
Why it is important not to have sexual relations before marriage, for both men and women, and how the first sexual experience can ruin your whole life. Why women don't get orgasm and often refuse intimate connection. What 5 points will help you have incredible sex.
4 Mark Gungor on sex. Part 2
How masturbation and viewing pornography affect your sex life and relationship with your partner. What spouses do wrong and how sex can change the life of each of you.
5 Mark Gungor. How to save a marriage without killing your spouse
Very simple and very effective tips that can really save and save your marriage. You will learn what pushes your husband to cheat and how to prevent it. You will also learn about the power of forgiveness, you will be able to forgive your partner and ask for forgiveness yourself, repeating the words of the lecturer. A very effective technique.
Men are not women, the preacher assures.
Yes, yes. He preaches from the stage such important and seemingly obvious things as the difference between men and women.
And very cheerfully, with great humor and kindness, he explains exactly what it is.
Here are a few phrases from the beginning of his speech:
- I asked many women to describe their ideal man, and they described the ideal woman!
- Men are very simple. S-E-K-S - it's simple.
- There is one general rule to understand about men and women: when problems arise, it is not the other person you need to dig into.
I have a Bible passage that I would like to show you.
If you follow his advice, there will never, ever be any problems in your marriage. The Bible says, “It is better for a man not to marry at all.” And the Bible continues the thought: “However, even if you marry, they will have tribulations...”
People often come up to me and say, “I’m having problems in my marriage!” I answer: “No, you are fine.” These passages are not often heard at weddings. Would ruin the mood, right? You won't see these words on greeting cards. They are not written on beautifully decorated cakes.
Is this a good enough reason not to get married? After all, marriage is simply a miracle. A great, incredible miracle. But he is not without problems.
I want to show you another quote from the Bible: “Where there are no oxen, there is a clean manger.” Let me explain these words to you. They mean that if you have an ox, you will have ox poop. If you don't like poop, and most of us really don't, it's tempting to get rid of the ox. I don't want you to get rid of your ox. Why do you need this ox? This is what is written in the continuation of the quote: “And much profit comes from the strength of oxen.” Here's the rub.
On the one hand, we all like the benefits of ox, but no one likes poop. The meaning of the quote is that one is inseparable from the other. There is no such thing as a poop-free marriage. We're not going to talk about how to achieve perfection in life, but about how to make sure you don't get covered in poop. If all you have is feces, then your ox is sick.
But there are no waste-free marriages. For those who do not understand, I will give a mathematical formula: ox equals poop divided by positive. Some people prefer “positivity divided into excrement.” In any case, we are talking about the ratio and its result.
Marriage is a wonderful institution. Statistics show that married people are healthier than those who are not married, they are happier, they earn more money, and they have better sex lives than unmarried people. In our culture this is invisible. Judging by all the movies and shows, it's the unmarried people who are happy with sex, and the married ones...
If someone asks how your sex is, the answer is: “Are you laughing? I’m married...” Not true. This is just some nonsense. Married people are more satisfied with their sex life, single people simply don’t understand anything about it, they just shout a lot. Statistics show that married people live longer.
Marriage is wonderful. The problem is that many people do it all wrong. We live in a culture that knows nothing about relationships between people. We really don't know what to do. I want to teach you how to energize and transform your marriage.
If you're driving 80 mph on a stretch of road where the speed limit is only 40 mph and you don't slow down, you'll probably get into an accident, even if you're listening to a Christian wave, even if you're wearing an icon. Christ in the machine... You may not like it, but the laws of physics still apply to you, whether you believe in them or not. The same is true with the physics of relationships.
If you behave in a certain way, then most likely your wife will behave in a completely different way.
Here's a typical stereotype: "Men are more interested in sex than their wives." Why is this so? Because in a general sense it is true. But not always. In many families, the wife is more interested in sex than her husband. And if your wife is more interested in sex than you, then I’m probably not wrong when I say on behalf of all men: “We hate you!” But don’t give yourself away to us, otherwise we’ll inadvertently beat you up.
The culture we live in says that marriage is a life-sucking institution. That’s why we say: “First you have to grow up, first you have to earn money, first you have to get an education, first you have to spend 37 years studying a person on dates.” First, first, first... But it’s not like that. Marriage will give you life if you do it right. And if you make a mistake, you will start filling out forms.
The brain of a man. He is unique. A man's brain is made of little boxes. We have our own box for everything. There is a box for the car. There is a box for money, for work, for you, for the kids, for your mom, somewhere in the basement. We have boxes everywhere. And there is also a rule - the boxes should not touch each other! When a man is discussing a particular issue, he finds that particular box, takes it out, opens it, and discusses only what is in that box! And then he closes this box and puts it in its place, but only very carefully so that it does not touch other boxes!
A woman's brain is different from a man's brain. A woman's brain is a big ball of wires. Everything is connected to everything there: money is connected to the machine, the machine is connected to your work, the children are connected to your mother, everything is connected to everything. Very similar to high speed internet. And all this is controlled by an energy called “emotions”. This is one of the reasons why women tend to remember everything. Because any event associated with emotions is recorded in your memory, and you remember it throughout your life. The same thing happens to men, but not often because, frankly, we don't care.
There is a box in a man's brain that most women don't even know exists. There is nothing in this particular box. Is it true. In fact, it's called the "Nothing Box." Of all the boxes in a man’s brain, the Box About Nothing is his favorite. If he could, he would sit in this box all day. That's why we do what we are branded for. For example, we go fishing... we sit in front of the TV... Women can’t do that. And they don’t understand the Box about Nothing. That's why they go crazy. Nothing irritates a woman more than the sight of a man who does nothing!
All guys feel some kind of obligation to fix a woman when she's stressed. This is because it comes naturally to men. A man will tell another man about his problems only if in return he helps him solve them. But she's not a man. And if you try to fix her, she will kill you. She doesn't need your advice, she doesn't need your help. She just wants you to shut up and listen to her!
If a man tells you he's stressed, let him lock himself in the Nothing Box! And don't go near him! And it is difficult for you to understand this because we think differently.
Men speak fewer words than women. This is because a woman has to connect many wires in her brain and explain all the connections.
The same words can have different meanings for men and women. For example, for most men, “5 minutes” means 5 minutes. For many women, these words can mean an indefinite period of time... Men understand Nothing. Women do not understand the meaning of Nothing. If a woman says “nothing,” then watch out! When a man sighs, it means everything is good in his life. When a woman sighs, it means you are an idiot. When a man says “carry on,” he is being polite. When a woman says “go on,” it means she’s giving you the opportunity to talk about your next stupid thing. But you have to be careful in your explanation, because it will most likely be followed by her sigh, followed by "nothing." And you will be deprived of sex for at least 5 minutes.
A woman's brain has an additional memory device so that she can remember everything in detail. A man's brain meets the minimum system requirements for him to breathe and eat. Therefore, many men are not friendly with details; we simply don’t need them.
When an event occurs, a man attributes the category “event” to it. While for a woman it is not just an event, it is all the details associated with the event.
A woman approaches a man and asks: “How was your day?” The man turns to his storage device and says, “Well, it’s day like day.” And he adds: “A normal day.” And she continues: “Did something happen?” He accesses the storage device again, and there is nothing there! He panics and replies, “Nothing.” And the woman is seething...
When women talk about what happened to them, they literally relive it in excruciatingly painful detail. I mean, she's really back there, and it's exciting.
Not all people are the same. But basically all men are single-taskers. We do one thing and do it very well. Women are capable of doing many things at once. Guys are not capable of this. Therefore, you should not ask a man to be responsible for more than one child at a time. But we can handle one child.
If a man does anything, he hears practically nothing. Women can do many things and have three different conversations.
If a man is busy with something (unless he is wired differently), do not tell him vitally important information! Because it won't register in his brain. You know what you told him, but all that remains in his brain is the fact that you didn’t tell him a thing.
Women are so multitasking that they are able to do their things even “outside the network coverage.” It would be great if your husband was within network coverage. One man came up to me and said: “You know, I’m standing in the toilet. The door is closed. The air conditioner is working. There are tiles everywhere, so the sound just bounces off the walls. And I'm standing there. All I can hear is the sound of running water. And she still talks to me!”
You can tell for sure whether you are married to a multitasking woman or not: if, in a moment of intimate passion, she suddenly tells you that, by the way, the plumber said that our toilet is broken... God, she can make love to you and plan dinners for the next week and think about toilets. And all at the same time...
Ladies, if your husbands needed companionship, support and conversation, they would get themselves a dog.
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It would seem that such a person as Mark Gungor cannot exist in the world. Church ministers do not spew out witticisms, do not fool around in public, and do not make an audience of thousands laugh non-stop for hours on end.
But it turns out that it is precisely this approach that allows the world-famous pastor to teach believers about God’s law and the secrets of a happy marriage.
Mark Gungor: biography of a clergyman
The hero of numerous television and radio programs lives and works in Green Bay, Wisconsin, USA. He heads Christian Church Glorification, a large religious institution with three branches.
Gungor was previously the founder of a church in Stevens Point, Wisconsin. Over 4 years of ministry, he managed to increase the number of members of the small parish from 35 to 500.
Psychologist, artist, writer and... pilot
They say that Mark held the first seminar for married couples out of necessity, because “there were no others willing to do this work.”
The listeners were fascinated by the lecturer and looked forward to new classes. So Gangor began to regularly speak to parishioners.
Soon he founded the company “Laugh as you want.”
This preacher does not have the seriously judgmental expression on his face that is typical of many teachers. He is a talented comedian. Gungor Mark allows himself to “behave” in front of the public: draw funny pictures, dance, and parody hapless husbands and wives with facial expressions and gestures.
Today, the pastor leads an active traveling lifestyle, giving lectures in the USA and Mexico. His classes invariably attract thousands of people seeking happiness in mutual love with marriage partners.
Gungor Mark wrote 14 books devoted to the psychology of relationships between men and women. The most famous of them, translated also into Russian, is “Laughter is the best helper in marriage.”
Taking off his cassock for a while, the pastor delivers inspiring speeches at official meetings, business meetings, and city events. He is in demand as a speaker in the US Army.
American media companies regularly invite Gangor to become the hero of new program releases. The pastor also hosts an original show broadcast on 250 national radio waves.
Mark is proud to tell his seminar audiences that in his free time he enjoys music and learning to fly an airplane.
Not just a theorist
Gungor himself has been happily married to his beloved Debbie, whom he met at school, for more than 42 years. The faithful wife accompanies the pastor on all trips.
The two Gungor children are also “deeply” married.
The youngest generation of the family is represented by grandchildren: four boys and two girls, Anna and Elsa.
Being true to yourself
Being devoted to God and following the commandments of the Heavenly Father does not mean living monotonously and being sad. Gangor Mark tries to convey this idea to his listeners, and he succeeds.
Behind the comedian's game lies the strong principles of life that the pastor preaches and highly honors. The main values for Gangor always remain goodness and love.