Being friends means understanding each other without words, supporting each other in difficult situations and sincerely being happy for each other's successes. As Exupery wrote: “A friend is someone who will not undertake to judge you.” But how often do parents, from the height of their years and extensive life experience, begin to teach their grown-up children, condemning their decisions and trying to control not only their actions, but even their thoughts. and maintain mutual understanding and respect?
Personal relationships between parents and children are often built on the principles of subordination of the younger to the elder, based on the financial dependence of the children on their parents and their weaker position in the family. For some reason, adults believe that love for a child completely justifies their severity and gives them the right to treat their son or daughter without any respect. Parents often call gross interference in their child’s personal space concern, believing that the child needs parental control for his own good. And as a result, children grow up withdrawn and lacking initiative; they are offended by their parents for misunderstanding and dream of getting out of their care as quickly as possible. But when leaving their parents’ home, such people encounter troubles, because due to the constant intrusive presence of their parents in their lives, they have not learned to do anything on their own.
How to build a family relationship with a child in such a way as to be a close friend, a reliable support and the best adviser for him? In fact, nothing special is required from adults. Parents are initially the closest people to any person. The main thing is to be with your child and carry the trust that exists between you throughout your life.
How to become a friend to your child
“He who does not remember his own childhood is a bad teacher” (M. Ebner-Eschenbach)
Remember how often you told yourself as a child that when you grow up, you will never repeat the “mistakes” of your parents. you will perfect mom or a good dad, you will always feed your baby only sweets, and you will always, always send your son or daughter to the disco. But years passed, and you, like your parents, began to read magazines with advice from pediatricians and crime reports in the area. And if you can still allow the youngest a small piece of chocolate once a week, then the older one may not even dream of any walks after 9 pm.
What happens, you have to become those strict and boring adults you promised never to be?! Not at all. You can always find a way out of any situation. The main thing to remember is how important this is for your child. And any ban, if it is inevitable, can sound different. The main thing is to talk openly with your son or daughter, clearly explain the reasons for your decisions and be sure to tell the child that you understand how important this is for him, and it is a pity that circumstances do not allow you to fulfill his desire.
“Children see all the shortcomings of their parents, and the worst of all shortcomings is hypocrisy, losing all respect for their parents” (L.N. Tolstoy)
Never deceive a child, and always keep your promises. This absolutely does not mean that you should indulge him in everything. Don't be afraid to say no if you really can't fulfill a request. But let this word be heard in your home as rarely as possible.
If you are thinking about how to be a friend to your child, try to communicate with him as an equal, showing respect and listening to his opinion. At the same time, do not be afraid to express your opinion and defend your position, you really have more experience. The main thing is not to push with authority, but to be based on real facts and indisputable evidence. About the phrases, “Because I said!” and “I decided so!” Better forget it once and for all.
“Do not think that you are raising a child only when you are talking to him... You are raising children at every moment of your life, even when you are not at home” (L.S. Makarenko)
You can teach your children endlessly, but as a result, they will still take their example not from your words, but from your real actions. Talking about the benefits of studying will not lead to anything good if you are with two higher education you work all day for pennies. Understand that children are much more perceptive than adults, and they are able to intuitively sense what is really important to them. The main thing is to listen to their feelings and support all their endeavors. Relationships with adult children should be based only on the principles of partnership, and in no case on the basis of subordination.
“You will never have true wise men if you do not allow your children to be naughty” (Jean-Jacques Rousseau)
Allow children to make their own mistakes and get their own bumps. Don't stop them, but rather try to penetrate their thoughts and share their dreams. Talk as often as possible, and never laugh at your child's crazy ideas and ridiculous phrases. Many parents shut their children's mouths just to prevent them from saying something stupid in public. It's as if other people's opinions are more important to them than their own son or daughter's thoughts. Let others do it! And you must always be there and believe in the rightness of your child until the last moment.
“Children can hardly be called the ideal of moral perfection, but they are still much more moral than adults” (N.A. Dobrolyubov)
There is no need to judge children’s actions too harshly, and you certainly shouldn’t insult them. If a child has done something bad, try to understand why he did it before judging him. Often the reason for children's bad behavior is their pain and resentment towards adults. Therefore, if you are thinking about how to improve your relationship with your child, approach him and talk about his feelings. Don’t be afraid to ask each other for forgiveness, and always try to sincerely forgive and forget all grievances.
If you are thinking about how to become a friend to your child, then this is the first step to success. The friendship between parents and children is the strongest, as it is based on great love and complete trust. It is difficult to break this friendship, but it is important to work on increasing it so that your relationship remains very warm and tender throughout your life.
Angelika Arutyunova
Consultation for parents “How to become a friend to your child”
How become your child's friend
Friendship parents and children - this is a special relationship that requires, first of all, mutual respect, the ability of an adult to understand child, empathize with him, showing tact in communicating with him. At the same time the parent remains the eldest, experienced, responsible for life, affairs, development your child.
Difficulties in relationships child and parents often arise due to adults’ misunderstanding of children’s experiences. The daughter asks to go for a walk, but she is forbidden because she did not put away her things. The girl tries to explain that she agreed with friends, they will wait for her - to no avail. Then she runs away without permission. Parents are outraged, and quite rightly so. However, in this case, responsibility to others, interest in communicating with peers turned out to be more important for the girl than the prohibition of loved ones. Parents in the eyes of a child appeared as not understanding his interests and desires. Misunderstanding begins to seem child the main thing in relation to him parents. Lack of faith in adults child causes him to protest already at the age of three. For a younger student, this causes indignation and resentment. Children tend to strive to be at the level of their peers, to be "no worse others» . The prohibitions of adults prevent this and prevent them from demonstrating their independence. The actions of adults often manifest a desire to insure themselves against troubles and unexpected actions. child. They strive to prohibit him from everything that seems to them dangerous, harmful, which could lead to any surprises. It is the lack of faith in the possibilities child causes conflicts, creates in the child the idea that he is considered small, foolish. The fear of being humiliated, especially in the eyes of comrades, has a negative impact on well-being child. The position of adults in relation to a younger schoolchild as a being who knows, can, and understands little can be expressed in disparaging statements, in degrading assessments and epithets. Power parents are great: material capabilities, life experience, physical strength - everything is on their side. The authority of an adult is imposed by the force that child forced to obey. Growing up, he can remain dependent on parents, their opinions, demands. But it is also possible other: protest, disagreement, and rejection from the family will gradually mature.
Basics of friendship with parents
The ability to truly listen is one of the main ways of mutual understanding between parents and children.
Inquire from child why he behaved in one way or another. It may turn out that he had a good reason for such actions. Tell your child how he could have handled this situation differently.
Let's talk to the child, don't interrupt him.
When child says look into his eyes, so that he understands: you are listening to him.
Pay attention to what movements child accompanies his speech. Gestures will help you understand whether the story is difficult for him, and will also indicate the need to ask clarifying questions.
Ask child: How do you think you will feel if Vasya hits you?
Such questions teach child understand other people's emotions. We can learn to solve problems correctly if we are aware of our feelings and reactions. other people.
After listening child, suggest other solutions.
Help child to overcome his fear.
Remember what you were afraid of as a child? Maybe darkness, ghosts or evil witches? Does yours have child-like fears? The only way to find out is to talk to him. You are the one who can help better than anyone to his child to destroy all the evil witches, brownies and gnomes that hide under his crib. If your child 4-6 years old, then to get rid of his fear, you can come up with some kind of ritual together. Let's say, put a magic bear or doll with him in the crib at night, which will guard his sleep. It is very important that your child could openly tell you about what he is afraid of. If child older and more fearful other, you must teach him to control his emotions and analyze what bothers him.
Cooperative games with child- another way to establish contact.
More than one study has proven how important regular games are for child: it is games that give children the foundations of life experience, which then finds application in everyday life. Children learn to work together and rely on top of each other; generate new ideas and develop creative thinking; relax and also act under stress; concentrate; experience both victories and defeats; develop and adhere to certain rules. If your the child is very small, then games are suitable for age, but if a teenager, then you can have fun playing more complex intellectual games with him. Learn to go back to childhood and become again child, because frolicking with your child is very fun and pleasant.
Memo for parents with tips for playing games.
1.Rule one: the game should not include the slightest possibility of risk threatening the health of children. However, difficult rules that are not easy to follow cannot be thrown out of it.
2.Rule two: The game requires a sense of proportion and caution. The game should not be too gambling or demean the dignity of the players. Sometimes children come up with offensive nicknames for losing a game.
3.Rule three: Don’t arrange special classes, don’t bother the guys, even when you have free time: “Let’s play chess!” Don't interrupt, don't criticize. Either learn to play with your children, quietly and gradually offering your own versions of something, or leave them alone. Voluntariness is the basis of the game.
4.Rule four: don't expect from child fast and wonderful results. Don't rush child, don't show your impatience. The most important thing is those happy minutes and hours that you spend with your child. Play, enjoy discoveries and victories - isn’t that why we come up with games and ideas?
5.Rule five: Maintain an active, creative approach to play. Children are great dreamers and inventors. They boldly bring their own rules into the game, complicate or simplify the content of the game. But the game is a serious matter and cannot be turned into a concession child, in favor according to the principle “Whatever the child amuses himself with”.
Doing things together strengthens family relationships.
Engage with your common activities as a child, let it be creativity or plans and dreams about the upcoming vacation, think together about what to give dad on February 23rd. Ask child about helping in preparing a family dinner, then at the table tell all family members that your daughter helped prepare dinner for you. The main thing is that child gladly did the work entrusted to him, but if child refuses to help, don't insist on it. Maybe today he is not in the mood for this work, but tomorrow he will offer you his help.
How and what instructions to give a child in the family
From 2 to 3.5 years
At this age child You may have your own small but ongoing responsibilities. The baby is quite capable of hanging his own clothes in the designated place; carefully place your shoes when coming from the street; put your plate in the sink (if the plate is plastic and the sink is not too high). Also at this age, children are very interested in everyday household chores, be it washing dishes, mopping and sweeping floors, participating in cooking and minor repairs, etc. They strive to help adults with this and are very proud that they are allowed to do this. Of course, about real help in such "serious" There is no need to talk about things yet, but, nevertheless, you need to let the baby try his hand and be sure to praise him for trying to help.
From 3.5 to 5 years
Cognition child standards of behavior and responsibility continues. At this age, the baby may have new areas of responsibilities.: he can (and already should) put away your toys before bed, make your bed. Children can also perform simple tasks to care for pets (pouring water into a bowl or pouring food, helping to set the table before a family dinner. At this age, part of the care that was on the shoulders of an adult should go to child. Now he can be trusted to open and close the water so that he can wash his hands himself, without having to control this process. The child must be responsible for his toys and things ( “lost it yourself, look for it yourself”).
Be a reliable support for your child.
It happens that we do not understand the actions of our children at all. For example, your a child hit another child V kindergarten or cut dad's shirt with scissors. Don’t rush to scold and punish him right away; first figure out why he did this. Maybe he just doesn’t have enough of your attention, and by cutting daddy’s shirt, he wants to attract him to himself, in a strange way, but still. Or hitting child in the garden, he simply defended himself or gave back. Listen your child and believe his words, the main thing is that he knows that you believe him, and then he will not deceive you.
Respect child like an adult.
Let's to your child participate in family decisions about where we will move the closet or where we will go for the weekend. He should feel like an equal member of the family. Listen to opinions child. If you acted wrongly towards him, be sure to apologize, just as you would with an adult.
And the most important advice - love your child, no matter how harmful and disobedient it may be at times.
Love is the greatest need for all children without exception. Exactly parental love and faith shapes child's self-confidence, self-esteem.
Prepared: Arutyunova A. M.
— Ella Sovitova: What seems shameful to them. And based on their own idea of what their parents think about them. But often children think one thing and parents think something completely different. They also interpret their parents’ behavior from the point of view of the age at which they are. At three years old it will be one interpretation, at five years old it will be another... For example, if in kindergarten someone hit a child or he quarreled with someone, and all the other children do not quarrel with each other, then most likely it is about this event the baby won't tell. Afraid of parents. Or if they are domineering and tough, then the baby will perceive the teacher as a parental authority. As a result, the teacher will always be right for him. And he won’t tell his parents about anything offensive or important about him.
— What do teenage children usually keep silent about?
— E. S: It’s not for nothing that adolescence is called the most unpleasant. During this period, children are very sensitive. They interpret everything exclusively from their own point of view: what they thought of them, how they looked at them, what they said. All reactions to the outside world are painful. The teenager interprets the behavior and comments of his parents very distortedly. It’s very difficult for him: he’s not yet an adult, but he’s no longer a child.
The positive side of this age is that at this time children talk very freely about life. At the age of 13, a child thinks that the whole world is at his feet and he can do anything! The value of adolescence lies precisely in this scale of perception. The fact is that some people, at the age of 10-14, are born with such ideas and projects that it would be nice to return to them after thirty or forty. During these years, a person does not have a complete vision of reality. And by the age of 40, some people stop dreaming. All ideas that come to a person during adolescence are of great value. It would be good to write them down.
Teenagers are in a very difficult situation. It's not like they're hiding anything. Most often, they are completely closed from their parents, if by the age of 14 they have not managed to leave their parental positions and make friends with them, establishing emotional contact. If there is no trust and contact, children will learn words acceptable to parents and simply will not introduce them into their lives.
- Why do teenagers close themselves off from their parents?
Sergey Petrushin: Secrecy is a manifestation of lack of security. If we want a child to tell us everything, we should not punish him for the truth and put pressure on him. If you demand sincerity and openness from him, he will close himself even more. And if parents create for their child favorable conditions, he himself will slowly open up.
E. S: Contact with parents is most often interrupted because, along with their friendly attitude, they always impose some kind of obligations on him.
— How to build trusting relationships with children? And is this possible in principle?
E.S.: It is important to know about the rule of balance. Parents should not be afraid to give their children love and attention just like that. If they constantly demand something in return, then they will have nothing but struggle with them during adolescence. It is quite possible to establish trusting relationships with children. There are children who can discuss many topics with their parents. I know a 14-year-old girl who calmly tells her parents about what is happening in her life, while for many of her peers this is difficult. How did her parents manage this? They abandoned the system of expectations and conformity. Let the school demand, but the family is still a kind of amulet, a place of love and acceptance of each other. If parents place too high demands on a child, it turns out that when he returns from school, he moves from one prison to another. And trust is formed only on love.
S.P.: The most difficult thing for parents is to change from hierarchical relationships to friendly ones. But it often happens that children have already grown up, and their parents still treat them like little ones. Education is not only about introducing a child to social values. Also an explanation of what is good and what is bad, revealing its potential. Parents should see what their child's strengths and weaknesses are. Help you discover your strengths and believe in yourself.
— Do relationships with parents influence a person’s future life?
— E.S.: Of course, a person who had a trusting relationship with his parents in childhood is more free and adequate. He is more successful socially thanks to inner freedom, which I felt in my relationship with my parents at the age of 10–14. It is easier for him to make a career: he will not be afraid of his superiors, express his opinion and take responsibility.
— S.P: Relationships with the father determine a person’s social life in the future. And the relationship with the mother is personal, family life. If you have a good relationship with your father, it is easier to achieve success at work. A good relationship with the mother will help in interacting with others and building a personal life.
Any parent with the birth of a child dreams of how wonderful their relationship will be in the future. But in order for dreams to turn into reality, parents must make a lot of effort and become a true friend for their child. This is what will be discussed in this article.
There are not many reasons for the loss of friendly relations between parents and children. Misunderstanding of children's experiences is one of the most important. Often adults demonstrate a complete lack of faith in the strength of their child, and such behavior causes protest even in a 3-4 year old child. Constant prohibitions and reproaches from adults interfere with the development of adolescent independence, provoke family conflicts, and create the feeling that he is considered an infantile and dependent person. Authoritarianism on the part of parents and constant reminders that all power is in their hands can create in a child a complete dependence on the opinions of others or, conversely, rejection from the closest people - family, protests and constant conflicts.
You shouldn’t go to extremes and form a familiar relationship with your baby. Better use the advice of psychologists who will help you become your child’s best friend.
- Develop your listening skills. Talk to your baby and discuss the reasons why he... After the conversation, it may turn out that he had a good reason for his negative behavior. Be sure to discuss and draw a conclusion about what should have been done. During the dialogue, do not look away, let him know that you really hear what he is saying. Do not interrupt your interlocutor, let him speak out, ask clarifying questions. Learn to feel other people's emotions. Ask how he thinks the other person must have felt in the conflict situation. This will teach you how to get out of conflicts correctly, taking into account the feelings of others.
- Play together and you will build rapport. During joint games, children will learn to trust their partner, create new ideas, develop their own creativity, relieve stress, react correctly to victories and defeats, and obey certain rules.
- Plan things to do together. Joint activities will unite you and develop mutual understanding. Plan a trip to the sea together (don’t forget about it), give a birthday present to your beloved grandmother, cook borscht together. Choose things that will make your child enjoy the results, and praise them more often. It is advisable to do this in front of other family members and even his comrades. If your child is not eager to carry out any assignment today, then do not put pressure on him. Perhaps tomorrow he will have the incentive and mood to help you.
- Be a support. Analyze the amount of time you devote to your baby. Maybe the baby simply lacks parental attention. Be sure to trust what your baby says. The trust of adults is important to him.
- Treat yourself like an adult. Let the child also participate in the family council and make decisions on an equal basis with adults. After all, in the family he has the same rights as its other members and you should listen to his opinion. Don't be ashamed to apologize.
Advice from Dmitry Karpachev: How to become a friend to your child
- Dmitry believes that a parent cannot be a friend to his child, since adults should be more than just a friend. If suddenly a child has problems, he should always understand that he needs to turn to his parents for help, and not those who are equal to him. If the parents are equal to him, then they will not be able to solve this problem. When we say “friendship,” we most likely mean a close and trusting relationship between an adult and a child.
- Analyze your relationships with those who are close to you. The way you treat these people is the same way you should treat your baby. Most likely, you have developed trusting relationships with those people from whom you do not hear unnecessary criticism. In addition, these close people will definitely support you and are always ready to come to your aid.
- Such trusting relationships differ from those in which the youngest member of the family acts as a completely powerless being. In this case, you can put pressure on him, shout and rip off negative emotions. If you do not do this with your child, then your relationship can be considered friendly.
- If a child makes a mistake due to his inexperience or does not listen to us, the parents, then there is no need to intimidate him. Such behavior will teach your child simply not to perform unwanted actions in your presence, but will not change his behavior.
- It’s better to do what a person close to you would do - explain what his mistake is, select convincing arguments, read the relevant literature together. Then the child will not want to commit offenses so as not to upset his parents.
- Form a relationship with your child based on mutual respect, even if it is a child from your first marriage or a child you took from an orphanage. After all, we, adults, are used to loving and caring for our children, but with respect in our families everything is much worse.
How to become a friend to a child while remaining a parent. Opinion of Marina Solotova
A Tyumen teacher and practicing psychologist wrote a book on this topic, and believes that:
- You just need to be friends with your son or daughter. Only through friendship can the basic qualities of the younger generation be formed: accuracy, obedience, responsibility.
- If a child and a parent are friends, then they can afford to quarrel, and they do not have to worry that they will separate forever.
- A true friend will not scold you for unbrushed teeth, unwashed shoes, or refuse to go out with you because you look unkempt. He'll just give you some chewing gum, hand you a wet napkin, and won't get irritated over trifles. Fathers and mothers who want to be a friend to their children need to behave in a similar way.
- Will our baby meet such a faithful friend in his life? Not necessarily, so there should always be an adult next to him, who will replace such a comrade. Otherwise, the child will begin to seek understanding and warmth in bad company.
- It is important for parents to use reasonable dominance in their upbringing - the ability to take responsibility and care for the baby, and provide support when necessary. Or step aside when he can handle it himself.
- Modern children are very different from their peers who lived in this world 10-20 years ago. Therefore, upbringing should be carried out differently: children cannot be physically punished, they cannot be compared with others and humiliated by overprotection, they cannot be instilled in their little heads with the idea that adults are always right, they need to stop yelling at them. After all, modern children have very few resources that would help children cope with such methods of education.